Are your family important to you?

On September 24^th 2012, I posted the following:

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My plans are as follows:

• Spend a couple of weeks with my sis. The benefits are two-fold. Firstly I help her out by being an extra pair of hands for her during the day (being a pony, Neil Buchanan, chunder-target etc.) and also live in baby sitter. Secondly, I get some premier uncle time with my niece and nephew and become a proper part of their life – now and for the future. They ‘know’ me. I ‘know’ them.
• Make initial visits to my uncle and aunt (and subsequently cousins). I’m a grown up. So are they. Just hang out and (re)discover what bonds we have besides our shared bloodline. I think I really like my uncle – I just don’t know him well enough to be sure. I’m off to watch some cricket with him.
• I’d like to follow up these visits with further visits and a more regular dialogue using whatever medium necessary. Can’t quite imagine my aunt following me on Twitter, but we’ll see how it goes.
• I also have an idea for a non death/marriage related regular get-together. A ‘family’ lunch or dinner. I’m going to attempt to start with my mum, her brother and sister. From there on, partners and children are of course welcome (including my dad, who is an only). I figure those that ‘buy into’ the idea will come (and thus make it a jolly occasion) and those that don’t wont. That’s fine. There are logistical, geographical problems. My aunt is the least mobile of the three, so perhaps choose a venue near her for the first year. I am also uncovering a few skeletons in closets as I float this idea with a few people. 10 year grudges and the like – but these are obstacles to be overcome. And I hope to overcome them by explaining the point of all this.

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So here is an update on how that aspect of MYWAC is going some 2 months on.

I have learnt my Uncle may well be cleverer than this man

I spent two memorable weeks with my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. It was thoroughly exhausting but wonderful. This was plain for all to see a few weeks later when my nephew was Christened and I was able to play the role of a very proud and much loved uncle.

I have since visited several of my extended family in the form of my mum’s two siblings (my Uncle and Aunty) and three of their children. In one case, I had dinner with my cousin whom I had not seen for over twenty years! It was delightful to spend time with him and his lovely wife over dinner. During the days we shared family stories, photos and videos, with all present realising how lucky we are to have one another.

Further visits to my Aunty and her two daughters in Wales are being planned and a second visit to the North West to see my Uncle is planned for 3 weeks time.

I have now spoken in great detail to my mother and her brother (my Uncle) about a planned family lunch sometime in 2013. My Aunt has received a letter with the same proposal and I am awaiting a reply. One of my cousins has already pledged her allegiance to the idea and my Uncle made me very proud when he said ‘you have really started something here’.

In the immortal words of Magnus Magnusson – ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ – and I hope to do so by enjoying lunch with all those I have mentioned above sometime soon. Another MYWAC family update soon. Look after yours.

Family Ties

The following was written just over a month ago – before the MYWAC blog existed – since this was written I’ve set to work on my plan (see the bullet points) and will add some reflections on how it is going soon. Just thought you might like to read the rationale first.

 

 

I am currently in the middle of a 20 day stay with my sister, brother –in-law, niece (3) and nephew (5 months). Tonight I am on the sofa, alone, babysitting , whilst the other grown ups are at the pub. It is a Saturday night.  This is exactly where I want to be during MYWAC.

Clearly the children are asleep – otherwise writing this would be nearly impossible. My time would be fully occupied explaining the plot of Mary Poppins, being Neil Buchanan or a pony or a dog or Zoe from nursery – or conducting crawling/standing lessons whilst also providing a moving target for dribble and vomit (the uncle’s curse – just too tempting to play throw around games just after a tea of mashed sweet potato). Being part of my family has become very important to me. During my most recent stay overseas I missed them more than I expected – especially now I am no longer the youngest  generation. Whilst links with my sister are easily maintained over Skype and losing regular touch is nigh on impossible (thanks mum) the opportunity to spend some time with a brand new nephew and an ever evolving niece is too much to pass up. How many of us have time or resources to do that these days?

Perhaps I am becoming old and sentimental, but tales of my mother’s youth, when she and her two siblings lived only a few streets away from a host of now forgotten uncles, aunts and cousins, are gone for me. All families are not necessarily like mine and perhaps still maintain those bonds through geographical convenience. We do not. Inevitably circumstance as well as distance interferes and soon the last time you saw someone from your extended family (if you can remember) was at a wedding – or worse a funeral. And then when you do – what do you have in common? What do you say? “Oooh, I haven’t seen you since…when was it?” “Uncle Bill’s funeral” you reply glumly. “Oh yes, well that was nearly 10 years ago”

EXACTLY!

Now I’m not saying that all my family are wonderful – and they might not think that of me either – but the point is – I don’t know if they are wonderful. Cousins I spent part of my summer holidays with 30 years ago are now in their mid forties. Some of them have children of their own or cool jobs or have married people from exotic locations. They might be really nice, interesting, fun people. Now there are plenty of people like this in the world already – some of them I call my friends – but these particular nice, fun, interesting people are related to me – and I’d like to get to know them (again) as I am now (as opposed to a bowl-headed 7 year old with a love of beans on toast) to find out whether or not if they did live a few streets away I would be friends with them – or whether the next family funeral can wait a very long time thank you very much (aside from the obvious).

Something the United States showed me is that there are no long distances in the UK. I have one uncle, one aunt, four cousins (by blood) and then a real hotch potch of second cousins, semi-detached, twice removed, step, in-law relatives I can neither name nor list.

My plans are as follows:

• Spend a couple of weeks with my sis. The benefits are two-fold. Firstly I help her out by being an extra pair of hands for her during the day (being a pony, Neil Buchanan, chunder-target etc.) and also live in baby sitter. Secondly, I get some premier uncle time with my niece and nephew and become a proper part of their life-  now and for the future. They ‘know’ me. I ‘know’ them.
• Make initial visits to my uncle and aunt (and subsequently cousins). I’m a grown up. So are they. Just hang out and (re)discover what bonds we have besides our shared bloodline. I think I really like my uncle – I just don’t know him well enough to be sure. I’m off to watch some cricket with him.
• I’d like to follow up these visits with further visits and a more regular dialogue using whatever medium necessary. Can’t quite imagine my aunt following me on Twitter, but we’ll see how it goes.
• I also have an idea for a non death/marriage related regular get-together. A ‘family’ lunch or dinner. I’m going to attempt to start with my mum, her brother and sister. From there on, partners and children are of course welcome (including my dad, who is an only). I figure those that ‘buy into’ the idea will come (and thus make it a jolly occasion) and those that don’t wont. That’s fine. There are logistical, geographical problems. My aunt is the least mobile of the three, so perhaps choose a venue near her for the first year. I am also uncovering a few skeletons in closets as I float this idea with a few people. 10 year grudges and the like – but these are obstacles to be overcome. And I hope to overcome them by explaining the point of all this.

Tony Blair or Lord Coe might refer to it as legacy. You can discover ‘who do you think you are’ on your iPad, in the hope of finding some distant connection to Boudicca or Christopher Columbus or Paris Hilton but this is about keeping those family links alive – not viewing them on a retina screen app. Many of the uncles, aunts and cousins my mum talks about from her childhood – a good and loving, family- centred childhood are lost – at least to me. I have never and will never know them. I am not blaming my parents or their generation. They married at a time when family units did become more disparate. Moving across the country or to another country for love or employment or opportunity became more commonplace. There were inevitable side effects that I only realise now.

If my family were the night sky- only the closest planets and stars are visible. Uncles and Aunts like red dwarfs are fading. The connecting lines of the constellations are being lost. I don’t know if that planet has 2 moons or 5 or none. It is a fairly empty universe – not even a solar system really – and one that will be more barren to future generations, unless something is done to maintain it and re-grow it now. I want my children to know their cousins, uncles and aunts like my mum did. I also want them to know a little of their great uncles and aunts – and the once and twice removed and the two-up two-downs. In 30 years time, my sister and I will have become the oldest generation of our family. Without reconnecting we will be alone in this role. Whilst our children may have many nice, interesting and fun friends, wouldn’t a nice interesting and fun (extended) family enrich their lives further? We will provide food, shelter, education for them, but isn’t the opportunity to be a part of that family universe also worth providing? I don’t think it is too much of a chore to give it a go.